mmm... delicious

Four of these majestic birds have migrated to a clear cut area of the tree farm where I work in Northern Washington. They are a beautiful sight to see these snowy owls.

Owls represent a totem of clairvoyants and mystics for me, life change about to happen, the life death life cycle presenting itself. The death messenger who brings transition. With this change comes wisdom, truth, patience, darkness, divination and solitude. I am completely aware of the change that needs to happen in my life. My health and happiness depend on this change. It is a breakaway, it will be a breath of fresh air and will renew my spirit. It is afterall, a new year and this change I have been promising myself for some time now. Life isn't what I thought it would be with him. He hasn't lived up to his part of the bargain. He is a disappointment to me and has broken my heart never to trust again. I need to be true to myself and take a graceful exit. For some reason it has been very difficult to leave this relationship. I recognize and have been made aware that things will never be what I want them to be with this man. I am listening to all who are around me who have brought to my attention with clear vision that this relationship isn't the right one for me. When you are immersed sometimes it's hard to see clearly.

In six weeks I will turn 37 years old. Of course I am debating holding on to 36 for one more year. My point, I know a few things in life now that took me years to figure out. I don't have the time to waste on mediocre and know that not only do I desire but deserve nothing but mad passionate love in my life. That may exist or may not exist but I am not afraid to let go of mediocre to find out. That's the adventure I choose to take

Welcome Back...

My oh my it's been ages... Here I find myself back in the land of blog! Never made it back to La La Land, here I sit in the Evergreen State at the desk of my fabulous job in the middle of a 25,000 acre tree farm amongst the finest artist in my field. I feel lucky. I feel like the opportunity I so thought I was missing has finally presented itself to me. I look back on past experience and can calculate to the point how everything has added up to now.

But what happens if what you thought you wanted isn't what you want at all? I feel guilty in a way. I have everything I thought I ever wanted. Great love has finally come into my life (and proven a disappointment), a beautiful country house on several acres (unfortunately thieves have discovered that as well), a wonderful job that I had dreamed about for years (unfortunately it's connected to my disappointment in love). Just have to see where the day takes you I guess... For now.

Twisted and bent

Sometimes the road is twisted and bent!

I can't take where it is I am any longer. It's time for me to make a graceful exit before I am shin deep with words so bitter piercing that the burning bridge I will have created will be one that I will no doubt have to cross back over to reach this house built of sticks and stones. Just when I thought I was clear, I find myself standing in the firing line, with my blindfold and my hands behind my back he takes aim for my leg. Powerless, I am not in the mood for any of this, it's gotten a little too heavy. I am so close now with only a mile to go, beauty is within grasp. New horizons await, looking on the bright side I can see the light. I am tired of killing time and watching it die. Tick tock my time here is up now please Shut-thefuck-Up!

Tick tock my time here is up...

The time has come and I must continue walking to the rhythm of change. My hands now untied from behind my back I can take off this blindfold. My armor no longer heavy with only a few miles more to go. I no longer need you to carry me or break my fall. Beauty is within my grasp, around the corner awaits my simple pleasures. I feel in my heart the snow has melted that had been falling all around me out of the clear blue sky. I am wild and free with only a few miles left to go. New horizons with stars lighting the way, my path is clear. It's been wonderful, I am grateful, with new found courage I must continue roaming the wild mountainside. Goodbye now, I will see you later as I no longer stand in the firing line... Tick tock my time here is up.

From my heart I thank you~
Auntie
Mom & Dad
M.K.
Pat & Ali
& Billy

Je t'aime tant

As of late I have been pondering the question, does true love exist? Everyone wants to believe in love right? But are reality and love contradictory? What about the concept that we can only be complete with another person? That idea sounds wonderful in youth believing there will be many people with whom you connect but later in life you realize it really only happens a few times. I had faith in the Hollywood ending although my past relationships compare only to that of a country song. Seems I am the gal that men break up with and then go off and get married or start a serious partnership with another only to hold me responsible for helping them understand what love really is. I become the ex-girlfriend best friend person. I am not one to be able to move in and out of relationships like changing shades of lipstick, I can't move on that quick it hurts too much. I am a romantic, I believe in magic. I can't settle for anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love but is there such a thing?

In all honesty, a disappointing lesson for me has been that nothing is actually ever *free*. No matter what the advertisers say, it's not free. There is always some kind of a catch. Sign up for three offers, pay the shipping, give us your credit card number and you can cancel after 30 days, fill out this entry form for a chance to get thirty billion junk emails sent to you, whatever the case it's never free. Sadly, an itty bitty part of me is hopeful that I will find that one no strings attached cost you nothing free offer. I want the free ipod, I want the free sidekick, I want the free Alaska cruise for two. I don't want to buy one to get one free or mail in the rebate. I want it fair and square free.